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294 Days

Updated: Feb 17, 2023

It has been 294 days since I've written.

Well, if we're talking technically, I guess it's not that dramatic. I write a bit for my job, I scribble short journal entries, I jot down daily to-do lists, I type out countless text messages and emails, and I etch random post-it note inspos.

But, it has been 294 days since I've visited my blog to write the words that feel heaviest on my heart. And the truth is, I've been afraid to.

I've tried. A few times. I've sat down and stared at this blank page over and over again, hoping the words would somehow spill through my fingertips and attempt to make sense, connect to my readers, and of course sound poetic to illustrate the craft I thought God had gifted me with.

But they haven't come. And even the ones that do are confiscated by backspace, seemingly unworthy to occupy the space.

I've never had writer's block quite this bad, and let me tell ya, it's not fun. A hobby I once loved to help alleviate stress has become one of the biggest contributors to my current high level of stress.

So, for 294 days, I've wrestled with why. Why can't I seem to form sentences like I used to? Why can't I find the words to help illustrate what God is speaking? Why has something that once came so easily become a daunting task?

I'm sure there's more to unpack here, but instead of waiting until I figure this whole thing out to spill my revelation, I'm taking you along with me on the journey.

The truth is, I don't have every answer to my "why's" yet - but I know for sure that God has shown me one of the biggest obstacles in my way, and it's been simultaneously my biggest blessing and my biggest curse: how much I care about others.

I have this talent where my heart will physically hurt when I see someone in need. I may not always be able to meet that need, but one thing I don't lack is sympathy. I feel, man. And I feel hard.

Which is why I also care immensely what you think of my words.

This new season of my life has brought an insane amount of talented, creative people with it. I work and interact with these people nearly every day, and let me tell ya something - it is equally incredible as it is frightening. It becomes quite easy to feel small when you're surrounded by big talent.

I've started to measure my success based on theirs. And that is where my downfall began.

It nearly makes me nauseous to post anything on social media anymore, because my thoughts are consumed with hypothetical judgments from people who could probably create something 1000000x better than me. The number of panic attacks rooted in imaginary critiques I've given myself in the past year has been too many to count.

I've been allowing comparison to suffocate my calling.

I know I'm not the best writer in the world. I know that there are so many more creative, talented people in this world, and instead of continuing to practice my craft and learning alongside them, I've been shrinking back, afraid to display any ounce of vulnerability.

When you make decisions based on what people might think, you're operating in fear, not faith.

God gave you gifts - and there are a few that you might be doubting in the wake of comparison. But the truth is, you're always going to have people who can do something better than you. That's just the way it works. But that doesn't mean that your gift is less valuable.

Someone needs what you bring to the table. And if you let fear crush the faith you need to exercise your gift, you're going to miss out on what God is trying to do through you.

I've wasted 294 days in hypothetical situations - drowning in insults that never got the chance to come my way. I wasted 294 opportunities for God to use me, teach me, and help me grow - and I don't want to operate that way anymore.

I don't want to write because you want me to, or out of a need for your praise. I don't want to write because I'll conjure up words that I think will tickle your ears and help increase my credibility.

I want to write because I want to take care of what God has entrusted me with.

What gifts has God given you? You may not be as skilled as you want to be in those areas, but that doesn't mean that God can't use you, right where you are.

It's God's job to bring glory through your gift.
But first, it's your job to be obedient in using that gift.

I don't know who this is for, but you are the reason I'm breaking this 294-day writer's block.

You need to get back out there. You need to release the need to please people, and let God be your judge. You need to operate in your gift, even if it's not perfect. (Hint: it never will be, so you might as well exercise it anyway)

And when I say you, I'm talking to me, too.

You can always grow and move forward, but you can't take back the past. Don't waste another day afraid to exercise your gift by faith because you're suffocated by the fear of "what if".

I don't think this blog post will change the world. But if I waited to write until I felt like I had life-altering words dripping with profound wisdom at my fingertips, I could miss out on what God is trying to show me in the seemingly mundane.

Maybe I needed to grow in faith. Maybe I needed to write these words as revelation for myself. Or maybe someone, somewhere needed this nudge of encouragement.

I don't always know the purpose behind operating in obedience, but I do know that God doesn't just work through the big moments. Some of His biggest revelations are in the small details, the rough drafts, the scraps.

Don't miss what God is trying to show you because you're so focused on putting on a perfect show for others.

You have purpose. You have gifts. You have something valuable.

Someone, somewhere, needs it.

If you hold it to yourself out of fear of what most people MIGHT say, you'll miss out on the people God wants to reach through you.

So, dust off the training wheels, and get back out there. It might not look like you'd hoped, but practice brings purpose.

You never know what God can do through you.


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