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I'm Not Picky, I'm Patient


"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" • Song of Songs 3:5 •


I hear the same line every single time one of my friends or family members shows me a picture of a potential suitor and I shrug my shoulders, seemingly uninterested.


"You're too picky!"


For awhile, I would laugh about this because it was true. I was always picky, but I seemed to pick the wrong ones. I would pick the boys who gave me a challenge, or seemed like the "bad-boy" type I could change. I would pick based solely off of feelings, because that's what One Tree Hill taught me to do. Follow your heart. You are the girl that will change their ways.


Boy, does this world have us mixed up.


Chasing after my heart became exhausting. My feelings seemed to change every day, and with that, my idea of love began to morph into something completely opposite of what God intends it to be.


Eventually, when my feelings changed and I didn't feel the chase anymore, or these boys I "picked" left my heart in pieces, I would find myself in the same position: staring at a reflection of a girl with mascara stained cheeks and an empty hole in her allegedly shrinking heart.


I was the Grinch. And it wasn't Christmas I began to loathe - it was love.


The more I fell into this cycle of chasing after "Mr. Right", only to be disappointed by a skewed illustration of what I thought love was supposed to be like according to Nicholas Sparks, The Hannah Montana Movie, & Lizzie McGuire, the more I convinced myself that love wasn't real.


So, for awhile, I started to accept the fact that boys were supposed to seem disinterested. Boys were supposed to show you attention for a little while, and then get bored. Boys never brought flowers. Boys didn't write cards. Boys have little to no interest in moving past the "talking" stage, and that's just what it is.


Boys wouldn't change, that's just the way they are wired.


It became my job to gain their attention and conform to their way of thinking. I became so fixated on becoming the girl the boys would want to pay attention to, that my identity and worth became a reflection of their acceptance, or lack there of.


Looking back, not only does that break my heart today, but I know it also breaks God's heart.


I had no idea, that to the One who made me - the One whose opinion of me is far greater than I could even imagine - I was already more than enough. I was already accepted as I was - flaws and all, by the God whose love is unconditional, and grace is unfathomable.


I didn't need a boy to deem me worthy. I needed to seek the One who already thought I was.





 

"Stop trusting in mere humans, who have but a breath in their nostrils, why hold them in esteem?"

• Isaiah 2:22 •

 






So, I stopped chasing after my feelings. I stopped feeding my flesh and began a long journey to discover my worth through Jesus, and what the Word of God says I am.


I'm not saying it's easy, and I'm not saying it happens overnight - but I will tell you, in full confidence, that it is the best thing that I've ever done for myself.


Although I still have my doubts about love, I can push those aside because I know they are not from God. They're from the enemy, who doesn't want us to believe that a real, authentic love exists.


The more I spend time in the Word, developing my relationship with Christ, the less I worry about finding "Mr. Right". I thought I had to be "good enough" for someone to love. I didn't even think I deserved God's love. And I don't. But God knows that, and He loves us anyway.


That type of unconditional love will fill your soul in the most abundant way. That type of love, when you truly grasp it, will make you whole. And when you are full of that love, you won't have room for anything less.


Of course, I still dream about the day I get to walk down the aisle, or the day I get to hold my first child, or the house we will build in a small town. But when those thoughts come, I don't let anxiety hold them captive. I don't let the fear of "it will never happen for me" overload my mind.


Waiting is hard. But that's why the Word reminds us to fix our eyes on God, and not worldly things. The more I focus on Jesus, the more strength I gain to wait for the love story God has already written for my life.


So, in the waiting, I began to pray for my future husband. I began to write him letters as a way to remind myself that he does exist, and that God will knit our stories together when the timing is perfect. Then, I began to ask God to help me become the woman and future wife he needs.



I am so glad that I didn't meet him before now, because honestly? I was in a dark place emotionally. I was not spiritually grounded, and I was not ready to love someone the way God asks us to. I barely even believed that love existed! Imagine my poor future hubby having to deal with that bitter soul?


So, I will take this time to grow in the Lord. I will take this time to learn what love is, by accepting it from the One who IS love. I will restore my heart again, and train it to fixate on God's wisdom, not fleeting feelings.


And now? Well, sorry grandma & friends, but now - I am more "picky" than I ever have been. But I know one thing for sure: I rather wait for the man God has for me, than settle for anything less.


I don't want to pick someone. I want to wait and meet the one God has picked for me.







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