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Solace in Solitude

Have you ever been in the middle of the streets of New York City at any point in your life? Or perhaps another city filled with people constantly roaming its territory with various agendas? If you have, then you know what it's like to be immersed in absolute crazy town. I mean, people shouting left and right, horns honking for no apparent good reason, hot dog vendors pleading for your's never ending noise.

Now, have you ever been in a crowded room that seemingly has no sound at all? I mean, a room where there are numerous bodies present and yet you could hear a pin drop. There is a sort of uncomfortableness that clouds over the entire room, and you can feel it in your bones. It can even make you squirm.

This is the kind of silence that has been creeping its way into my daily routine lately. Now, I don't mean physically, like in a doctor's office waiting room, or on the first day of class in a new semester, but rather in my prayer time.

I ask, I seek, I wonder- and yet... nothing. Nada. Zip. No answer.

Okay, at first, this was okay, and I kept praying, kept seeking, kept pouring my heart out to the Lord.

And yet, as the days moved on, my motivation began to slack. What was the point of praying if I wasn't going to get an answer anyway?

My worry has begun to creep its way back into my thoughts. Anxious behavior has seemed to find a home in my body once again. Feelings of despair and disappointment have no problem finding cracks to slip into.

Silence. I hate silence. And if you know me- you KNOW that I can't stay silent for long...

But, there is a certain silence that brings me joy. It brings a sense of hope. A calming solitude.

Like, the kind of peace that you feel when you finally plop down on a sprawled towel over a bed of sand, and your ears take in the gentle crash of the salty waves pouring endlessly from the horizon in front of you. If you're me, you have a good book in your hand and a bag of snacks nearby. There is no agenda, no deadlines, no responsibilities at that very moment.

It is a time to reflect, to release, to replenish.

This- this is the peace that God wants us to find in our waiting. He wants us to be still. To remain silent. And wait.

But wait peacefully in solitude.

There is beauty in waiting.

"Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Proverbs 14:29-30

I don't know about y'all, but that one felt personal.

I thought I was okay at the whole waiting thing, but then I examined my worry. My sadness. My restlessness.

They all seemed to stem from one thing: jealousy.

Why does she get to find the love of her life already? She's younger than me!

Why does he get the dream job he's wanted without any debt from school?

Why does she get the opportunity to be a mother and I don't?

Why is her blog flourishing and mine isn't?

When will it be my turn?

Will it ever be my turn?

I know, you guys are probably shaking your heads at me, and you totally have the right to.

But hear me out. Jealousy is a tough thing. I've dealt with it for my entire life. I've always compared myself. Always.

And friends, I think that's why God is making me wait.

I have to think of Sarah and Abraham. Sarah wanted so badly to have a child, and she was 90 years old! She certainly had her fair share of waiting years. When she and Abraham tried to take things into their own hands, Abraham bore a son with their slave, Hagar. This caused catastrophe that would last for generations. It also caused Sarah to become increasingly envious. Years later, God's timing was finally put into play and she bore a son. All she had to do was wait a little longer, and there would have been no issue with Hagar and her husband. God's timing is divine, and it needs to be trusted.

In these moments of patience, I am learning to grow spiritually. I am learning to trust God, not man. I am learning who I am as a person and what I am capable of.

I don't know why I have to wait for certain things. I don't know why I feel like I am not moving forward, or anywhere for that matter.

But I know this:

I am learning to hope in the Lord. I am treating these days of silence like practice before the Super Bowl. I am getting my reps of prayer, scripture, and journalling in. I am breathing. I am finding peace. I am waiting for my breakthrough.

Because it's coming.

He has a plan for my life. He has a plan for your life. That He has promised us.

That, He promised Sarah.

And He has never broken a promise.

So breathe, friend.

He may not be answering you because it's not time. But don't give up. He is shaping you for something. He is molding it all together.

And maybe He needs more time with someone else who is coming into your path. Maybe He needs to iron out a few details in the location you'll be sent next.

Whatever it is, it will come together, in His perfect timing. And it will reveal more than you could ever hope or imagine. Don't lose hope. Learn to lean on Him, and trust that He is writing your beautiful story.

After all, novels take A LOT of preparation and ironing before they are bound and released to the world.

He's here, He's not gone.

Breathe, smile, and take in the sound of His crashing waves around you.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31


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